How to make friends in your 40s, 50s and 60s | HELLO! (2025)

It is scientifically proven that having a community to call your own has huge health benefits, which is why it became the theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week.

But when we reach our 40s and beyond, the pressures of life can seem to make it all the more difficult to achieve.

"It's hard to make friends as a grown-up, but I urge people not to be scared," says founder of self-help book club Shelf Help Club Toni Jones. "I am a woman of a certain age and I'm finding it’s harder than ever to keep connections going - but it is also more important than ever.

"A lot of communities I am in are dealing with so many life transitions; perimenopause, managing parents, managing kids, being diagnosed with neurodiversity later in life. There is more to understand and manage than ever, so it is helpful to have communities across different areas of your life that can support you. It is such a nice feeling to belong somewhere. And more than that, it's good for our health."

This week, Toni, who is host of the Bibliotherapistspodcast, shared a series of live talks with authors and wellbeing experts around the subject of community on her Substack, after she leaned into community herself when she was recovering from burnout and wanted to find other people who shared her (late-found) love of self-help books.

Finding community

"Forging a community changed my life," Toni says. "I wanted to share everything I was learning with others - but my existing community of family and friends weren't really on board, so I decided to set up my own group of people looking to understand themselves better, and the Shelf Help Club was born.

"It's now my business as well as my passion, and the Shelf Help Club community has grown organically because there is a need for it. There's a real hunger now for learning how to proactively look after our mental health and support our self-development, especially for midlife women.

"For me, self-help is really self-discovery. It's also a bit of a misnomer as doing this work withother people actually makes it easier, more fun and more powerful."

Benefits of community

"Not only are there health benefits for your nervous system and the feelings of being safe and supported, there is accountability. If you have something you want to change in your life; whether that is your fitness, the way you parent, finding love or understanding some of your feelings and behaviours, then you will probably be able to find a group working towards that goal.

"It's nice to remember to show up for others - even if it's answering the school mum's WhatsApp to help pick up one of the kids after school.

"Mental Health Awareness Week is a good time to stop, take a breath and spend some time thinking about your social health and the communities you are currently in, and whether they are working for you, or if you could do with making some new ones - and then think about some small steps you could take now to start to find them."

How to find community in midlife

1. Don't be scared of being vulnerable

"Most of us find sharing difficult, especially with new people, but it's actually what connects us best. Self-help author and thought leader Brene Brown talks brilliantly on this subject.

"A couple of quotes I love are: 'We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to,' and 'Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.'

"Opening up and showing vulnerability is how we show others that we are human, and that, just like them, we have struggles. It makes us all feel less alone."

2. Work on your social health

"Strong social health is one of the key pillars of my mental health, and good connections are one of the most important parts of my life. But it does take effort and you really do get out what you put in.

"The idea of community is remembering that people will need things and you will be the one who needs something at some point. When you are feeling physically and emotionally strong, it's good to make those connections and then they will be there for you when you need them as life ebbs and flows."

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3. Start small

"I spoke with Jo Hutton, a gentle yoga evangelist with a huge online community of non-traditional yogis, Yoga for Tired People. Her top tip for finding and becoming part of a community is to start small.

"That could be talking with the cashier at Tesco, saying hello to the postman or chatting with a neighbour. You don't need to find their whole life history, but like everything, socialising gets easier the more we do it. Smile at people, start easy conversations, ask questions, listen to the answers and share a bit about yourself."

4 . Feel the cringe and do it anyway

"For people who understand the benefits of community, but find putting themselves out there doesn't come naturally, the idea of talking to strangers or joining a new yoga club might make you cringe.

"Yes, it might be a bit icky at first, but the more you do it, the better the interactions will become and the lighter you will feel which will 100% improve your overall mood."

5. Treat it like a date

"Not every person you meet or group you join will be 'your people'. So look elsewhere and try on a few for size. Don't take it to heart when it doesn’t work for you. Belong,a brilliant book on finding community by Radha Agrawal gives tips on how to find your tribe by listing all qualities in a person, a group, a romantic partner or friend.

"You might want to meet someone kind, funny and growth-minded, sober; so work out what you are looking for and then look at yourself - which of these are you bringing to the table? If you are not bringing what you expect from other people then work on it."

6. If you can't connect IRL, go online

"Meeting online suits lots of people in my community; including people who don’t live in a city, or may have a young baby or be caring for elderly parents and can't easily leave the house. Or are socially anxious and wouldn't find a real life event for fun.

"It is amazing to see the energy of the community online. People benefit from it in so many ways and always come away with a sense of belonging and feel good after meeting up.”

7. Be intentional

"You may already have communities in family and old friends, but they may not be meeting all of your needs. What would make you feel better? For example, in midlife when you are going through perimenopause you may want to intentionally find a group that you can go online and talk to about it that you might feel you couldn't elsewhere.

"Treat yourself like a project, take yourself seriously and give your need for community the attention it deserves."

Find out more aboutShelf Help Club